Giving up Romantic Relationship

This is going to be a long entry. If you make it through this, many blessings upon you. I am documenting this current stage because of one important reason:

If I can give up the one thing I want most, I can give up anything.

And by correlation, I will be more free than ever. I know I'm not the average person in terms of relationships. Even in elementary school I had a passionate, abiding love for an unobtainable girl. Even though I was the ugly duckling, she was kind to me. I am thankful for that.

This is what I believe: I was made to be a partner. I have so much love to give. My inner soul yearns for oneness with another, an intimacy that transcends any mere friendship. Physical, mental, spiritual union. To be joined with someone. 

I believe I would be a passionate, loyal, and amazing lover. And I have been, for short periods of time. But that is the problem -- every single relationship I have tried or been in has ended, most of them in disaster. 

For this reason I am guarded. I seek someone to love but someone I can trust with my heart and soul. That doesn't come easy.

My ex wife was unable to really love me (I do not blame her, it is just how she was.) Then I found who I thought was my soulmate and she left the country and never spoke to me again, and I never found out why. Both of these relationships nearly broke me. 

All I need is one person, I've told myself. One person, kind and loving, who would take what I have to offer. It seems so simple, yet it's never happened. 

When I was a teenager, I would take walks around my suburban West Virginia neighborhood, hoping naively that I would meet her, another lonely soul in the night. I always fell in love with the unattainable, thinking that if I was just a little better, a little more attractive, that they would finally love me. I tried to be the perfect partner in my youth. 

Years later, so many achievements. Movies, games, degrees, accomplishments... still not enough. And now my looks are finally fading.  

Eleven years ago I faced the worst trial of my life. My illness was so severe it took two years to recover from. My mind and body both were failing. I am thankful that the Divine Mother led me to a nutrition coach who put me on the right path. But for years I could not be in relationship, I was just trying to survive. 

And so, for eleven years now, I have been alone. I have had one relationship in that time which lasted exactly 3 weeks. I have forgotten what intimacy feels like. This is certainly not what I expected to happen. I have tried to date over these years, but rarely gotten beyond a second date. 

I have a vision for my future wife: beautiful, kind, and full of life. Those are the words. They are on my vision screen every day. I have had so much conflict and strife in my life that I need someone kind and gentle, who will not be harsh with me. I would do the same in return. But the point is this: it has gone so badly that I feel I must learn to give it up.

One part of the mystic path is letting go of attachment. Now, I haven't gone full Buddhist on you all, but I recognize the general concept about desire leading to suffering. And my main meditation practice is centering prayer where I recognize thoughts, and the pull (desire) they bring, and learn to let it go.

So, the question is, can I give up the one thing in the world that I desire most? 

I think, in Western minds, we sort of have an "all or nothing" concept about these things. This is why it is often hard to explain about letting go of the ego. We aren't destroying the ego. We aren't permanently living in a non-egoic space. We are learning a skill where we are able to, temporarily, exist without ego. And it is very freeing. The ego no longer has a hold on us, and we are able to let go of it.

So recently I decided to let go of relationship. At first, it was a relief, to not be worried about this thing, this burden. But then something unexpected happened; a vast tsunami of loneliness.

I thought I'd enjoy the freedom of not thinking about relationships, not searching for a partner, getting on with life -- but after a few days faced an onslaught of loneliness I had never experienced. Today I walked around wondering if people could sense it, could see it in my eyes. I want to be free of it. However, I realize this may be just part of the process. I must get through this ocean of loneliness to see what is on the other side. So I can be free.

And it's the same thing in terms of giving up something. Just like we don't destroy the ego or get rid of it totally, we instead learn to find a space where it is not and live there -- sometimes. So if I can find the place to live outside of the loneliness, then I will have done what I set out to do.

For a while while driving today I was able to use my new disciplines to let go of the loneliness and experience the present moment. It was encouraging for a while to be in the moment and just be alive and see how beautiful it was. I knew the loneliness would come back after a while, but for those moments I felt a new faith that I could, indeed, overcome this challenge.

The only thing left now is to go forward. Find the strength and courage to give up the thing I desire most. Oh, how I desire to be held and loved for who I am, and to give the same in return. How blissful it would be! Yet it has never happened. So I will seek the divine, and ask my Maker. I will learn to accept my situation and find a place of peace where I can let go of relationship, without becoming unfeeling or losing my passion -- but instead living with it and being in peace. 

I feel like decades of my life have been wasted where I could have been giving someone the ultimate love and care, but I must let that go as well. I am alive, and there is the hope of tomorrow. For now, if I can just be present in the moment and remember: I already have everything. There is nothing more I need than to be alive, to breathe, and to feel my Divine Lover all around me. In that I hope I will find freedom. 

Cynthia Bourgeault

 I was listening to Cynthia Bourgeault today. She brought up an interesting Greek term I haven't really heard. Kenosis.

"In the mystic tradition, "kenosis" refers to the concept of self-emptying, where an individual renounces their own will, desires, and ego to become fully receptive to the divine presence. Derived from the Greek word "κένωσις" (kenosis), meaning "emptying," it emphasizes the relinquishment of personal ambitions and attachments to achieve a deeper union with God.

Kenosis is often associated with Christian mysticism, particularly in the context of Jesus Christ's incarnation, where He is said to have emptied Himself of divine privileges to become human (Philippians 2:7). Mystic practitioners seek to emulate this humility and self-denial to attain spiritual transformation and closer communion with the divine. The practice involves surrendering personal identity and control, allowing the divine will to operate fully within the individual.

In a broader spiritual context, kenosis can be seen as a path to transcendence, where the emptying of the self allows for the fullness of the divine to be experienced and expressed through one's life. It is a profound journey of letting go and being filled with the presence and guidance of the divine, leading to a state of spiritual awakening and enlightenment." - GPT4

I have really felt the strength and pull of the ego lately and it is good to remind myself of the letting go.

I went ahead and ordered two books by Cynthia today as well. 

I've noticed the pull of thoughts and emotions much more strongly since I started my centering prayer/vipassana practice years ago. I remembered hearing one of my teachers mention that the mind does want to gravitate to a natural, peaceful state of no-thought. So I looked for a pull toward that state -- and I found it! So I can use that pull, that current, to go toward that state. Thoughts still arise to pull me away but it is interesting to find that pull toward the center of just being without thinking.

Thomas Keating talks about centering prayer being part of "Divine Therapy" where our soul is refined through the act of centering prayer and events and memories can be worked through without directly thinking of them. I have noticed that there is some improvement in this area as well.

I am also more increasingly aware of my unconscious moments. So much of my life is on autopilot... making food, eating, driving -- I don't have awarenesses. What reminds me of my unconsciousness are all the crumbs on the counter after I make a meal. I don't intentionally leave them there, but I don't even notice it happening because my thoughts have me during those times. So the crumbs will be a constant reminder to be more conscious and in the present moment. God is always waiting for me there. :)

I am Rejecting the American Church

This is not meant as some dramatic declaration, shout it from the rooftops, “Steve is rejecting the American church!” Nothing like that. It is simply an explanation of where I am on my spiritual journey. I think this was really a long time coming but recent events that have happened concurrently brought this to a decision. Let me first tell you what happened.

I have been what people call a “charismatic” (from the Greek charisma, “gift.) I believe the power of God is for today and the gifts mentioned in the bible like healing and prophecy are real, and I have experienced them. I also believe God is very active and I speak with him regularly. This is a part of my life. However, there is division over this (and a million other things!) in the modern American church.

I often find myself defending charismatics online because there is just a fierce suspicion and contempt for them by some evangelicals. In this case, someone had posted a completely out of context quote from a charismatic pastor I have listened to and the conclusion was that he had no business being a pastor because it was bad theology. I simply mentioned that I listen to him sometimes and that I’m sure that there was some context missing because I think he is a good pastor. But no, the person doubled down and insisted they were bad without even trying to find the context. And so the denominational wars continue. And I realized that this friend of mine, which I have known for 20 years, has not changed. In fact, most of my Christian friends were like him. They continually, as if it was their holy sacred calling, post critical things about others. They continually argue and bicker and push their particular interpretation of their faith on others, aggressively.

The next day, I got in touch with a charismatic person to pray for me about something. She had been recommended to me as someone powerful in the Spirit that might help me with a few things. I reached out to her in good faith, asking for help. The response I had was not only shocking, but traumatic. Instead of praying with me the next day, I got a text that she and some “friends” had prayed for me beforehand and that God had told them that I was “worshipping false gods” and that they could not pray for me at this time until I turned back to God. This was incredibly judgmental and fear inducing. I trusted this person for help, and instead I was told I’m not even worthy to be prayed for! Not only that, I had just the day before defended charismatics, once again, online. (I eventually was able to convince her that I was actually a Christian, but that should never have happened.)

Finally, I had recently joined a Christian goth group, where those who were in goth culture but also Christians could talk online. I’ve been in the goth community for decades and was part of some of the original Christian goth groups, and even wrote the book, God Loves the Freaks. A big problem has been that many in the church called goth folks “the devil” or said they were worshipping the devil because they wore black and were into dark literature/entertainment. Now, these same people, who were told by other Christians that they were worshipping the devil for their culture, got together in their Christian goth group and decided to condemn people who did yoga as “worshipping the devil.” I’m not even making this up. The clear and obvious hypocrisy was completely lost on them. I didn’t even bother to try to say anything about this, I just left the group. I am tired of trying to encourage Christians to get along when they clearly and obviously have no desire to.

After years where I have subjected myself to judgment, arguments, and criticism for having my own thoughts about God and the bible and life, I finally realized I do not want to live with this anymore. If only we could be like Jesus:

“Master,” said John, “we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we tried to stop him, because he is not one of us.”

“Do not stop him,” Jesus said, “for whoever is not against you is for you.”

– Luke 9:49-50

Jesus didn’t say, “Go, check their theology to make sure you approve.” We literally have dozens of denominationally trained Christians out there deciding that other denominations are not even Christian. This happens every single day, thousands of times on social media. 

There is something terribly wrong with the American church today. Several somethings. And when I say the American church, I mean that it’s a huge majority of people in it. Not everyone of course, but enough to clearly define the movement.

I no longer wish to live with a cloud of fear over me, yet that is what being around these American Christians does. Why? I believe there is a spirit of fear in most of our churches. This is the thing: we are afraid of sin. If you are part of the church ask yourself this: when you realize you have sinned, is there a sharp intake of breath? A sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? Are you afraid there will be terrible consequences? That you will suffer for it? Then you have this fear. And it is contagious. Others can give this to you with their theology and their fear.

If you ask an American Christian if they believe in grace and their sins are forgiven they will say, “yes, of course.” But they don’t live like it. They say one thing and live another way. We say on one hand that Jesus took all of our punishment for sin, and yet live in fear of punishment and separation from God.

I am thankful that my mystic studies have shown me the amazing presence of God, that he is everywhere, all around us, always, and that when I sin that is when I need him more and that he is already responding with a supply of grace for that. The experience of sin and forgiveness can actually bring me closer to God instead of bringing fear and separation.

I hesitate to say this, but I feel like it is an accurate description. The amount of arrogance and self-righteousness in the American church is astounding. Whether talking to them in person or on social media, my experience is that they are convinced they are right in everything they believe and also right in going out and preaching it to everyone, every day. They post these condemning memes, or quotes telling other people how to live, or comparisons to those “other” Christians that are doing it the “wrong” way. It’s spiritual virtue signaling and cheerleading. “My team is the right team!” A group of people that is supposed to be known primarily for love and humility is instead recognized as arrogant, closed-minded, judgmental, and hypocritical. The irony is that these Christians truly believe that they are doing the right thing. They ironically believe that the world hates them for following Jesus:
               
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own – John 15:18

The truth is that the world hates the American church is because it is mostly comprised of overbearing, self-righteous jerks that are trying to control other people’s behavior by shaming them and by using the power of the government to force people to have the same morality. And I have been one of you and done these same things (God forgive me.) There is so little respect from American Christians for people who follow other religions or beliefs. They don’t even listen to others’ beliefs or stories or lives because their minds are closed and made up already. By not listening and valuing other’s beliefs and life stories we are dehumanizing them and condescending to them.

For many years, American church, I have defended you. But I cannot any longer. I can’t even use the excuse that some of you are still good, because there are so few at this point. Overall, you are indoctrinated to believe that being a Christian is to be argumentative and bullying with your bible. In fact, you elevate the bible to be part of the Godhead! The bible has been elevated above people and used to harm them. The bible has been used as a rule book and an excuse to avoid conversing with God. Why talk to God when I can just read a book? There is no replacement for a personal relationship with the God of the Universe who speaks in our lives. But it has been done.

The American church today is concerned with behavior modification, rule-keeping, morality enforcement, and being “right.” I believe the true calling of the church is to serve others, accept them as they are, lead them to a relationship with God, and enable transformation not through force or willpower, but through the Spirit. Oh, how I would long to see a kind and humble church, one like Jesus. Where the God of the Universe humbled himself to be in human flesh and served us and died for us. While the American church wields the weapons of guilt and shame, the true church would be filled with love, grace, and known by its humility.

If you are reading this and your response is to collect a bunch of bible verses and throw them at me to prove that I am wrong, then you are the problem that I’m describing. If you can read this and hear that I am an earnest human being who knows he is loved by God and has come to the end of his endurance, then I hope you will have some sympathy for me. I can no longer be part of this movement. I do not even wish to call myself a Christian anymore, though I don’t know what else I would be. Perhaps a “Follower of Jesus” or even a follower of “the Way” as they used to be called.

I know I’m not perfect and I have believed for decades that not all of my theology or beliefs are 100% correct. I’m willing to live in that space, if you are.

What I’m experiencing with this new epiphany is an immense freedom. I am no longer worried about what my Christian friends are going to say about my beliefs or life. I know God and have walked with God for years. Just because that looks a little different for me doesn’t mean I don’t know our Maker. So you can call me a heretic. Tell me I’m worshipping false gods. Say I’m lost, in danger, inviting demons into my life, whatever you will. I will not listen anymore. I will still pray, and follow the Spirit, and have my practices, but I will not expose myself to your fear and judgment anymore. Goodbye, American church.

Suffering: What do to with it?

 Someone asked my thoughts on suffering recently, so I decided to see if I could put something together. I know two things from the beginning:

1. I do not feel yet qualified enough in my practice and knowledge to answer definitively

2. This topic itself warrants an entire book

To help me write about this, I leaned heavily on my favorite teachers as well as including some more well known names like the Dalai Lama. I'm going to start with a personal note.

In 2013 I had my third crash with adrenal fatigue. Every day, for six months, non-stop, I was exhausted and anxious. I could barely sleep. For the full story, see my documentary.  What I learned from that was this: I did not know that it was possible for a human being to suffer so much and still live. There is no way to put it into words. Not only was I always exhausted, but I was always afraid. Sounds, movements, even temperature changes caused a fear reaction in my mind and body. The hardest part was that there were no breaks. That was truly it. If I could have had five minutes here and there of relief during this time, it would have been infinitely more bearable. But it continued non-stop and I did not know if or when it would ever end. After about six months I would get small periods of relief, and after about two years I felt better about half of the time. I did everything I could to get better. I could not understand why God would let that happen to me. I still don't exactly -- except now that I do know about it, I can try to help others who are suffering this way or help others avoid it, which is why I made my documentary. It was so awful I would not have wished it on anyone. 

However, I am changed. I see my life now as a second life, in a sense. I did not know if I was going to have it. I thought I might have died (or taken my own life) from my illness. So, now, if I don't get everything I want, or what I've dreamed of, it's not so bad. I have a level of freedom because I have let go of this life to an extent. In fact, I've been good with leaving this life for a long time now. Many of my former concerns seem silly, or petty, or meaningless. What I'd like to have now is friendship, and love, and laughter, and a true experience of the Source of all being. I now see how incredibly beautiful a tree can be, but also a random plate or a rock. The Divine's threads weave through all creation and it is truly good.

 In terms of the ego, most religions teach in some way that all of us must die before we die, and then we will not be afraid of dying. Suffering of some sort seems to be the only thing strong enough to destabilize our arrogance and our ignorance. I would define suffering very simply as whenever you are not in control.

Richard Rohr

 

This is what one of my teachers, Richard Rohr, talks about, in Falling Upward. The second half of life begins when you die to yourself. Calling on concepts from Carl Jung, he talks about the False Self, the egoic creation we make in our minds, and explains that it is not our Real Self. As we die to the false self we are able to let go of so many labels, and preferences, and ideas, and rules, and just be. The real, or True Self, is the consciousness behind all the labels and concepts, that truly is. That's what we are, a being. Not labels, identities, our body, our preferences. And Rohr mentions that most people get there either through great love, or great suffering.

The two Virtues of Equanimity and Compassion become more available to the person whose ego-shell has been smashed-either by great suffering or by great love-or by both.

Richard Rohr

What ultimately helps us, I believe, is that we understand this about suffering: it is not evil, but simply a part of life. We can very much make our lives worse by being afraid of suffering (a type of suffering) and being controlled by trying to avoid suffering. (Though this doesn't mean we seek it out either.)

If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.

Viktor E. Frankl

From the Daoist point of view, we are all part of the great organism of nature. That cycle includes suffering and death. We see animals fight to survive and suffer as well as we do. It is natural in the sense that it is built-in to the reality we live in. But in humans, suffering can change us, transform us, and help us let go of things that ultimately cause us to suffer even more. 

Encountering sufferings will definitely contribute to the elevation of your spiritual practice, provided you are able to transform calamity and misfortune into the path.

Dalai Lama

How do we process and integrate suffering?

To make use of our suffering, we must first simply accept that it is there, it is inevitable, and it is not evil of itself. Once we do that, we can also practice techniques that help us transform and change it.

Suffering = Pain times Resistance

Shinzen Young

One of my teachers, Shinzen Young, teaches a very simple perspective on suffering. That what really magnifies it is resistance. If you observe yourself during a time of pain or emotional discomfort, you will discover that your body is reacting. Muscles clench, the body fills with hormones, you become focused on trying to avoid or stop the pain. In these times we are resisting pain we make it worse. Imagine pain is pulling you in a direction, and you fight it, and now you're being dragged along the ground, hurting yourself more. Instead, you walk along with the direction of the pain. Shinzen teaches that you don't resist pain, you fully experience it. When you feel pain (physical or emotional), stop and observe your body. Ask yourself, where is the sensation? What does it feel like? Is it growing, shrinking? Moving in waves, or still? The opposite of doing this is getting lost in our thoughts, "Oh no, this is terrible. It's happening again. I hate this. When will it end?" When we think like this we amplify the pain into suffering. And Shinzen believes it is a multiplicative effect, not just an addition. The suffering is magnified greatly by resistance. It would take a while to explain his teachings further but I would say generally it is to:

Observe. Accept (equanimity.) Explore. Experience. 

When pain is experienced fully it can move on in your body. Especially emotional pain, once allowed to be experienced, it can be released. 

Transformation through suffering

If we do not transform our pain, we will always transmit it. Someone else always suffers because we don't know how to suffer our own wounds

Richard Rohr

I have seen several teachings that suffering can indeed make us more compassionate. But of course it can also make us more angry and bitter -- the choice is up to us.

Romans 5:3-5

...we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Here we see a verse that says to "glory in sufferings." Look at all that it produces, we are transformed. Suffering can also show us who we are.

Prov 17:3 Fire tests the purity of silver and gold,

    but the Lord tests the heart.

It can be seen as a test of the heart. Of course, our Divine Mother knows our hearts, but we are the ones who need to see it. 

We often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes taking things too personally.

Dalai Lama 

The Universe is not taking things out on you. Everyone has their share of suffering, and yes, the shares are often different sized. But people are all different sizes and shapes. The nature of reality is that we are all unique and different, including our suffering. But some of us are special, we get more. In one perspective (though I know it may be difficult) we could see it as an honor.

Philippians 1:29 

For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake

 Final Thoughts and Quotes

Again, there is so much I could say here. As a mystic, I understand that everything is connected and part of a greater One. That everything that happens is part of a grand story, and one that will be well in the end. Since no suffering lasts forever (I do not believe in traditional hell, please see this link for more) these temporary things will all pass and all will be well. Which, if properly understood on a deep level, means we could take life less seriously and probably enjoy it a lot more.

They are enlightened who join in this play knowing it as play, for people suffer only because they take as serious what the gods made for fun.

Alan Watts

I will leave you with my favorite verse in the Bible, from Revelation 21. 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Here are some other quotes from my teachers that I found while researching this that may prove helpful for you on this subject.

Like too much alcohol,self-consciousness makes us see ourselves double, and we make the double image for two selves - mental and material, controlling and controlled, reflective and spontaneous. Thus instead of suffering we suffer about suffering, and suffer about suffering about suffering.

Alan Watts

When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.

Dalai Lama

I think the problems of the world aren't caused by people coming together and saying "let's make problems." They're caused by people coming together and saying "let's make solutions" without having solved the problem of their own suffering.

Shinzen Young

The End of The World

 Years ago I would joke around saying that it would be cool to be around during the "end times," as Christians are likely to call them. You see, I'd be really popular in heaven. People would come up to me and be like, "Wow! What was it like?" "You saw the moon turn to blood?" Stuff like that.

I could say that because I've been pretty confident that God will be with me eternally, even if there are difficult and scary times. God is bigger than everything that happens. 

I never really believed we were in the end times, however, for several reasons. One is that every single generation since Jesus' time has thought they were the last. And they were all wrong. I understand the math behind that. I also see that some people use it as an excuse for various types of behavior. As far as I'm concerned, the truth is that we have no idea. 

I don't subscribe to this whole "The world is getting worse" theory either. Honestly, just a look at history can tell you it's always been at least this bad. And since today there are less poor and starving people, less disease, less children dying, than in the last 200 years, we actually overall are doing well. It's just that now we have world news and the internet and people can read 24/7 about all of the bad things.

Then of course there is the political division, especially in America. Nearly half of our country have convinced themselves that the "other" party will destroy everything they held dear. It almost seems like a mass gaslighting where each side gets more extreme and believes more ridiculous falsehoods to justify their continued culture war. Regardless, this is one reason I've become apolitical. Normally I won't talk about it much since I do not wish to offend, yet hardly anyone reads this blog anyway. 

Lately it has felt a bit more "end of the world"-ish. I'm developing the new AI curriculum at the college where I teach, and I am seeing updates daily on it and it is going to be (and already is) quite powerful. China, Russia, and the Middle East all seem to be leaning toward more aggressiveness. So I understand why some might worry. 

But let's get down to it: 

The End of The World

If you are one of those people currently worried about "The End," and you know God, like me, I want to encourage you. (You know who you are!)

Part of the reason we fear the end of the world is because of suffering. We have been conditioned, especially in America, to avoid and revile suffering. However, the simple lesson of Jesus should show us: he suffered. Then we are told also to take up our cross and follow him. This strongly implies we will suffer. But we don't have to view it as some horrible trial that we have to go through. We can view it as following God, and actually learn from our suffering. Most importantly: we can use it to be transformed.

If you stay in the mainstream of life, in other words, you let in the suffering of the world that invariably enters all of our lives by the time we're in our middle years, when we've experienced a few deaths and read a few headlines. Famine, poverty, abuse, you can't keep that all blocked out. If you let those things teach you, influence you, change you, those are the events that transition you without you even knowing it to become more compassionate. In other words, you hold onto your values, but you do it much more inclusively, humbly and in an open ended way. Suffering takes you there. - Richard Rohr

 Since I have gone through very extreme suffering (see my Adrenal Fatigue documentary) I have much less fear of it now. I can sit through my suffering, I can be, I can even find God there. Sometimes it has even felt like I cannot find God when it is at its worst -- but I know she is there waiting on the other side for me. I only must wait for it to pass. You see, all things, all states will pass, but I will remain. And this is because I am a vine grafted into the Tree of God himself. 

Letting Go

I think another reason it can be difficult to face the end of the world, is because we hold on to things. We have so many expectations. Some are simple: we will get up tomorrow, have a meal we like, do some things we like to do. Simple things that make us happy. But also being attached to them causes the fear of losing them. And so we can end up that the more we have, the more we live in fear of loss. Whenever I fear losing something, if I'm aware of it, I practice letting go of that thing instead. "What if I never had this thing again?" I sit and appreciate the times when I had that thing (or person!) in my life, and think grateful thoughts. I have lost many people and things already, and I'm still here and mostly fine. There are those I love very much that are gone from my life, and I miss them terribly; but my gratefulness practice helps. Also I can remember we can still love something or someone without possessing them. I still love those people that are gone. The more we practice letting go of everything in life, the less fear we will have about it. 

What we Have

What we do have is the Divine, the Source, the Maker. The Lover of Our Souls. Our wonderful Father who treasures us. We also have the consciousness, the experience of life we have been given. That will not be taken away. Even as this body dies, our consciousness will continue. I am sure of that. So, even if it is the end of the world, it will be an exciting and interesting time. We will see what we are truly made of. We will (hopefully) do our best, and have grace for our failures. And then, it will be over, and we will be at peace.

Have you seen any of those documentaries about people having near death experiences (NDEs)? Nearly all of them report an amazing sense of peace after leaving their bodies. Their consciousness floats around, still seeing (without eyes!) and hearing (without ears!) Most do not want to return but are told they must. We will continue. 

We All Will Die

We are all going to die anyway. It could be a car accident tomorrow. We don't know. But once we have accepted death, we are free. Even the story of baptism reflects this: we are buried with Christ and resurrected. Hardly any of us consider how to die, or how we have died. But this dying to self is freedom. Once you have come to terms with your own death, what is there to fear? (Suffering, yes, loss, yes, but we've already talked about those two! No need to fear those either.) So we must die to be reborn in love and spirit. 

“If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life - and only then will I be free to become myself. ”

― Martin Heidegger

I know I'm not all the way there yet. I haven't totally accepted death or let go of all my concepts and possessions. But I can see the path in that direction and I walk it. So I will practice accepting death. I will practice letting go, and gratitude. And I will allow my suffering to transform me to be more like Christ. If it is the end of the world, I could not stop it anyway. If it comes, let it come. I will be, once again, the observer to witness it, and the dancer, to flow along with what is happening.  

We are verbs. God is a verb.

 Yesterday I was listening to Shinzen Young who was talking about the illusion of the ego. Every language he has studies has words for the separate "I-other" relationship. Instead, he says, we are more of a verb, not a thing. We are the activity of the universe. We are part of a greater whole. As Alan Watts would say, you do not end at your skin. 

Today Richard Rohr was saying to me that God is a verb. We make a mistake of trying to sense God in the same way we sense other objects in the world. It is a different sensing, which is why in the Western world there are many atheists because they expect God to be proven and sensed like the temporary objects we interact with daily. But God has a different sort of realness, of existence. 

Richard also mentions that the way most people end up on this path of enlightenment is through love or suffering. It was 11 years ago when I was in the middle of the worst suffering I have ever felt. I actually did not realize the human body could suffer that much and still continue. My body and mind were both breaking down. I took solace in the church and went as often as I could so I wouldn't just be alone with my suffering (since I lived alone.) 

One day, one of the prophetic people in my church said they saw behind me a black angel. He said it meant I would be given "deep revelation." Perhaps the suffering brought me here. Maybe this, what I'm learning now, is the deep revelation. It certainly feels like it. 

Of course these words are only words. "God is a verb" or "we are verbs" are only tools to get us to think differently about the world and ourselves. It's not some literal dogmatic definition I'm trying to say here. Instead it is a perspective that is useful, on occasion. 

And Also Love

I was writing about love today and was reminded of something important. The first commandment Jesus gives:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart. Love him with all your soul, and love him with all your mind. - Matt 22:37

And, it's pretty much impossible. For a couple of reasons. 

1. We cannot willpower our way into this love. We cannot push out all other concerns from our heart, soul, and mind. We cannot totally empty ourselves of everything but love for God yet this is exactly what it is asking. (At least, on the surface.)

2. Love commanded is not voluntary. Can you really love someone by force? Or is love something that is chosen? Does God want us to love her because we were commanded to? 

So what is to be done? I think there are maybe a couple of answers that, of necessity, must rise above the strict textual level of interpretation. 

Level 2 answer: To really love God, we cannot come straight at it by force. We only can love in this way if God shows us. To do this, we experience God's love first. 

"We love him, because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

So, one answer is to throw ourselves into understanding and experiencing how much God loves us. How can we love an angry master who demands love from us? Yet this is how many of us see God. Until we truly get to know how loving and forgiving God is, we cannot voluntarily love God in this way. In fact, I believe it is the love God gives us that gets reflected back to him. 

Level 3 answer: On a level above this, where we realize that God is (through Jesus, John 1:3!) the maker of everything and is in everything. We live inside of God (Acts 17:28.) So when we love others, when we love music, when we love a good meal, or a sad story, or a work of art.... we are loving God. So, love and be grateful for all the things in your life. 

I don't know that we can ever truly and wholly fulfill this saying by Jesus, but I do believe we can know his love for us and reflect it back to him, and we can also love all the beauty around us. 

Note: I've decided that I will refer to God as both male and female for this blog, for reasons I've discussed earlier. I may even use plural sometimes since Elohim is plural. 

 

The Space Between Thoughts

Living in No Thought World

One way I have used to define one of my meditation practices is to make the space between thought and thought larger. Sometimes, as far as I am aware, I am able to not have a thought for two or three seconds. This actually feels quite wonderful.

A reason I use this definition is because I can explain it to others. Everyone has pauses between thoughts. First, you must actually turn your awareness to your consciousness to see it, even though most people would automatically agree with this statement. But if you observe, you will indeed see that there are pauses. So, therefore, can you not merely extend the pauses?

Between observing thought, and extending the pauses, you have something similar to vipassana meditation. Though it is more detailed than that. 

This description also helps people realize that they are more than thought. Who and what are you when you are not thinking? Observe. Watch. Feel. In that space between thoughts. That space is still you!

And of course God has this very same nature that he gave to us. God exists without thoughts. God is and can simply be. And so can we.

For more on Vipassana, here is a link. It is very similar to Thomas Keating's Christian Centering Prayer. Usually I feel like I am practicing both of these things. 

Blinking in and out of Existence

Some realizations of mine have sort of floated together in my stream of consciousness and coalesced into this idea. Here are the realizations.

1. We live our lives blinking in and out of awareness. There are two ways you can observe this. One is simple: when you look at something, or around a room, there are moments where your eyes quickly jump from one place to another. We are totally unaware of this. So really, the world, to our mind, simply blinks out and back into existence for that fraction of a second when our eyes move. The other way is how sometimes our unconscious takes over and we lose awareness of where we are, what are are doing, and even the food we are eating. I wonder how many meals I have eaten without tasting them because I was lost in thought? So, our consciousness leaves and returns to the present moment. I see this more like a wave, rather than a blinking, but we are at various stages of awareness. In a sense we "go somewhere else" for a while, somewhere that we basically have made up in our imagination, then return to the present. 

2. Buddhism talks about this concept, where time is really an illusion or a collection of instants. I had heard or read somewhere that they taught that reality goes into and out of existence 88 times per second, or something like that, but I'm unable to find the quote now. I am able to find some sources on the general idea which I will provide at the end of this blog. It seems to be the concept of "momentariness" which is an extension of the idea of impermanence. 

I see these concepts as methods to view our conscious experience, not necessarily as "true doctrines" to believe in, but helpful tools. There really does seem to be a sort of waveform, of our awareness going in and out of the moment, and it is an interesting phenomenon. 

Another Thought on Looking and Seeing

After my recent studies of Ram Dass and Rich Mullins, I have had a passage of the bible come to me with new meaning. 

The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! - Matt 6:22-23

I used to see this with my old, performance based, guilt infused version of Christianity where I'd be afraid to look at "evil things." (Whatever those are.) If I ever accidently saw something "impure" I'd feel guilty, especially if part of me actually enjoyed it. But now I see it more like Rich and Ram Dass. If my eyes are healthy, I will see the world with compassion. I will see Christ in everything and everywhere. If they are unhealthy I will look for division, and anger, and fear. So, if my own eyes are full of anger and fear, then I look at the world and expect to see more of that, how much more doubly dark will my soul be? 

Another way to look at being "healthy" in this context, is that the Greek word implies "generous." If we love people and forgive them, is that not a healthy way to see? If instead we are protective of what we have, and see others as competing with us for things and status, we will be full of darkness. The Greek for "unhealthy" in this case implies evil and malicious.

So the eye being full of light is NOT WHAT WE SEE but instead HOW WE CHOOSE TO SEE. 

Links:

https://www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/acref/9780190681159.001.0001/acref-9780190681159-e-2260

https://www.rep.routledge.com/articles/thematic/momentariness-buddhist-doctrine-of/v-1