This is not meant as some dramatic declaration, shout it from the rooftops, “Steve is rejecting the American church!” Nothing like that. It is simply an explanation of where I am on my spiritual journey. I think this was really a long time coming but recent events that have happened concurrently brought this to a decision. Let me first tell you what happened.
I have been what people call a “charismatic” (from the Greek
charisma, “gift.) I believe the power of God is for today and the gifts
mentioned in the bible like healing and prophecy are real, and I have
experienced them. I also believe God is very active and I speak with him regularly. This is a part of my life. However, there is division over this (and
a million other things!) in the modern American church.
I often find myself defending charismatics online because
there is just a fierce suspicion and contempt for them by some evangelicals. In
this case, someone had posted a completely out of context quote from a
charismatic pastor I have listened to and the conclusion was that he had no
business being a pastor because it was bad theology. I simply mentioned that I
listen to him sometimes and that I’m sure that there was some context missing
because I think he is a good pastor. But no, the person doubled down and
insisted they were bad without even trying to find the context. And so the
denominational wars continue. And I realized that this friend of mine, which I
have known for 20 years, has not changed. In fact, most of my Christian friends
were like him. They continually, as if it was their holy sacred calling, post critical
things about others. They continually argue and bicker and push their particular
interpretation of their faith on others, aggressively.
The next day, I got in touch with a charismatic person to
pray for me about something. She had been recommended to me as someone powerful
in the Spirit that might help me with a few things. I reached out to her in
good faith, asking for help. The response I had was not only shocking, but
traumatic. Instead of praying with me the next day, I got a text that she and
some “friends” had prayed for me beforehand and that God had told them that I
was “worshipping false gods” and that they could not pray for me at this time
until I turned back to God. This was incredibly judgmental and fear inducing. I
trusted this person for help, and instead I was told I’m not even worthy
to be prayed for! Not only that, I had just the day before defended charismatics,
once again, online. (I eventually was able to convince her that I was actually
a Christian, but that should never have happened.)
Finally, I had recently joined a Christian goth group, where
those who were in goth culture but also Christians could talk online. I’ve been
in the goth community for decades and was part of some of the original
Christian goth groups, and even wrote the book, God Loves the Freaks. A
big problem has been that many in the church called goth folks “the devil” or said
they were worshipping the devil because they wore black and were into dark
literature/entertainment. Now, these same people, who were told by other
Christians that they were worshipping the devil for their culture, got together
in their Christian goth group and decided to condemn people who did yoga as “worshipping
the devil.” I’m not even making this up. The clear and obvious hypocrisy was
completely lost on them. I didn’t even bother to try to say anything about
this, I just left the group. I am tired of trying to encourage Christians to
get along when they clearly and obviously have no desire to.
After years where I have subjected myself to judgment,
arguments, and criticism for having my own thoughts about God and the bible and
life, I finally realized I do not want to live with this anymore. If only we
could be like Jesus:
“Master,” said John, “we saw someone driving out demons in
your name and we tried to stop him, because he is not one of us.”
“Do not stop him,” Jesus said, “for whoever is not against
you is for you.”
– Luke 9:49-50
Jesus didn’t say, “Go, check their theology to make sure you approve.” We literally have dozens of denominationally trained Christians out there deciding that other denominations are not even Christian. This happens every single day, thousands of times on social media.
There is something terribly wrong with the American church
today. Several somethings. And when I say the American church, I mean that it’s
a huge majority of people in it. Not everyone of course, but enough to clearly
define the movement.
I no longer wish to live with a cloud of fear over me, yet
that is what being around these American Christians does. Why? I believe there
is a spirit of fear in most of our churches. This is the thing: we are
afraid of sin. If you are part of the church ask yourself this: when you
realize you have sinned, is there a sharp intake of breath? A sick feeling in
the pit of your stomach? Are you afraid there will be terrible consequences?
That you will suffer for it? Then you have this fear. And it is contagious.
Others can give this to you with their theology and their fear.
If you ask an American Christian if they believe in grace
and their sins are forgiven they will say, “yes, of course.” But they don’t
live like it. They say one thing and live another way. We say on one hand that
Jesus took all of our punishment for sin, and yet live in fear of punishment
and separation from God.
I am thankful that my mystic studies have shown me the
amazing presence of God, that he is everywhere, all around us, always, and that
when I sin that is when I need him more and that he is already
responding with a supply of grace for that. The experience of sin and forgiveness
can actually bring me closer to God instead of bringing fear and
separation.
I hesitate to say this, but I feel like it is an accurate
description. The amount of arrogance and self-righteousness in the American
church is astounding. Whether talking to them in person or on social media, my
experience is that they are convinced they are right in everything they believe
and also right in going out and preaching it to everyone, every day. They post
these condemning memes, or quotes telling other people how to live, or
comparisons to those “other” Christians that are doing it the “wrong” way. It’s
spiritual virtue signaling and cheerleading. “My team is the right team!” A
group of people that is supposed to be known primarily for love and humility
is instead recognized as arrogant, closed-minded, judgmental, and
hypocritical. The irony is that these Christians truly believe that they are
doing the right thing. They ironically believe that the world hates them for
following Jesus:
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me
first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own
– John 15:18
The truth is that the world hates the American church is because
it is mostly comprised of overbearing, self-righteous jerks that are trying to control
other people’s behavior by shaming them and by using the power of the government
to force people to have the same morality. And I have been one of you and done
these same things (God forgive me.) There is so little respect from American Christians
for people who follow other religions or beliefs. They don’t even listen to others’
beliefs or stories or lives because their minds are closed and made up already.
By not listening and valuing other’s beliefs and life stories we are dehumanizing
them and condescending to them.
For many years, American church, I have defended you. But I
cannot any longer. I can’t even use the excuse that some of you are still good,
because there are so few at this point. Overall, you are indoctrinated to
believe that being a Christian is to be argumentative and bullying with your bible.
In fact, you elevate the bible to be part of the Godhead! The bible has been
elevated above people and used to harm them. The bible has been used as a rule
book and an excuse to avoid conversing with God. Why talk to God when I can
just read a book? There is no replacement for a personal relationship with the
God of the Universe who speaks in our lives. But it has been done.
The American church today is concerned with behavior modification,
rule-keeping, morality enforcement, and being “right.” I believe the true
calling of the church is to serve others, accept them as they are, lead them to
a relationship with God, and enable transformation not through force or
willpower, but through the Spirit. Oh, how I would long to see a kind and humble
church, one like Jesus. Where the God of the Universe humbled himself to be in
human flesh and served us and died for us. While the American church wields the
weapons of guilt and shame, the true church would be filled with love, grace,
and known by its humility.
If you are reading this and your response is to collect a
bunch of bible verses and throw them at me to prove that I am wrong, then
you are the problem that I’m describing. If you can read this and hear that
I am an earnest human being who knows he is loved by God and has come to the
end of his endurance, then I hope you will have some sympathy for me. I can no
longer be part of this movement. I do not even wish to call myself a Christian anymore,
though I don’t know what else I would be. Perhaps a “Follower of Jesus” or even
a follower of “the Way” as they used to be called.
I know I’m not perfect and I have believed for decades that not
all of my theology or beliefs are 100% correct. I’m willing to live in that
space, if you are.
What I’m experiencing with this new epiphany is an immense
freedom. I am no longer worried about what my Christian friends are
going to say about my beliefs or life. I know God and have walked with
God for years. Just because that looks a little different for me doesn’t
mean I don’t know our Maker. So you can call me a heretic. Tell me I’m
worshipping false gods. Say I’m lost, in danger, inviting demons into my life, whatever
you will. I will not listen anymore. I will still pray, and follow the
Spirit, and have my practices, but I will not expose myself to your fear and
judgment anymore. Goodbye, American church.
