This is going to be a long entry. If you make it through this, many blessings upon you. I am documenting this current stage because of one important reason:
If I can give up the one thing I want most, I can give up anything.
And by correlation, I will be more free than ever. I know I'm not the average person in terms of relationships. Even in elementary school I had a passionate, abiding love for an unobtainable girl. Even though I was the ugly duckling, she was kind to me. I am thankful for that.
This is what I believe: I was made to be a partner. I have so much love to give. My inner soul yearns for oneness with another, an intimacy that transcends any mere friendship. Physical, mental, spiritual union. To be joined with someone.
I believe I would be a passionate, loyal, and amazing lover. And I have been, for short periods of time. But that is the problem -- every single relationship I have tried or been in has ended, most of them in disaster.
For this reason I am guarded. I seek someone to love but someone I can trust with my heart and soul. That doesn't come easy.
My ex wife was unable to really love me (I do not blame her, it is just how she was.) Then I found who I thought was my soulmate and she left the country and never spoke to me again, and I never found out why. Both of these relationships nearly broke me.
All I need is one person, I've told myself. One person, kind and loving, who would take what I have to offer. It seems so simple, yet it's never happened.
When I was a teenager, I would take walks around my suburban West Virginia neighborhood, hoping naively that I would meet her, another lonely soul in the night. I always fell in love with the unattainable, thinking that if I was just a little better, a little more attractive, that they would finally love me. I tried to be the perfect partner in my youth.
Years later, so many achievements. Movies, games, degrees, accomplishments... still not enough. And now my looks are finally fading.
Eleven years ago I faced the worst trial of my life. My illness was so severe it took two years to recover from. My mind and body both were failing. I am thankful that the Divine Mother led me to a nutrition coach who put me on the right path. But for years I could not be in relationship, I was just trying to survive.
And so, for eleven years now, I have been alone. I have had one relationship in that time which lasted exactly 3 weeks. I have forgotten what intimacy feels like. This is certainly not what I expected to happen. I have tried to date over these years, but rarely gotten beyond a second date.
I have a vision for my future wife: beautiful, kind, and full of life. Those are the words. They are on my vision screen every day. I have had so much conflict and strife in my life that I need someone kind and gentle, who will not be harsh with me. I would do the same in return. But the point is this: it has gone so badly that I feel I must learn to give it up.
One part of the mystic path is letting go of attachment. Now, I haven't gone full Buddhist on you all, but I recognize the general concept about desire leading to suffering. And my main meditation practice is centering prayer where I recognize thoughts, and the pull (desire) they bring, and learn to let it go.
So, the question is, can I give up the one thing in the world that I desire most?
I think, in Western minds, we sort of have an "all or nothing" concept about these things. This is why it is often hard to explain about letting go of the ego. We aren't destroying the ego. We aren't permanently living in a non-egoic space. We are learning a skill where we are able to, temporarily, exist without ego. And it is very freeing. The ego no longer has a hold on us, and we are able to let go of it.
So recently I decided to let go of relationship. At first, it was a relief, to not be worried about this thing, this burden. But then something unexpected happened; a vast tsunami of loneliness.
I thought I'd enjoy the freedom of not thinking about relationships, not searching for a partner, getting on with life -- but after a few days faced an onslaught of loneliness I had never experienced. Today I walked around wondering if people could sense it, could see it in my eyes. I want to be free of it. However, I realize this may be just part of the process. I must get through this ocean of loneliness to see what is on the other side. So I can be free.
And it's the same thing in terms of giving up something. Just like we don't destroy the ego or get rid of it totally, we instead learn to find a space where it is not and live there -- sometimes. So if I can find the place to live outside of the loneliness, then I will have done what I set out to do.
For a while while driving today I was able to use my new disciplines to let go of the loneliness and experience the present moment. It was encouraging for a while to be in the moment and just be alive and see how beautiful it was. I knew the loneliness would come back after a while, but for those moments I felt a new faith that I could, indeed, overcome this challenge.
The only thing left now is to go forward. Find the strength and courage to give up the thing I desire most. Oh, how I desire to be held and loved for who I am, and to give the same in return. How blissful it would be! Yet it has never happened. So I will seek the divine, and ask my Maker. I will learn to accept my situation and find a place of peace where I can let go of relationship, without becoming unfeeling or losing my passion -- but instead living with it and being in peace.
I feel like decades of my life have been wasted where I could have been giving someone the ultimate love and care, but I must let that go as well. I am alive, and there is the hope of tomorrow. For now, if I can just be present in the moment and remember: I already have everything. There is nothing more I need than to be alive, to breathe, and to feel my Divine Lover all around me. In that I hope I will find freedom.
